Dove Cameron - “do the math”

Remember when teachers insisted we needed to learn mathematics because we wouldn't always have a calculator in our pockets? Well, look at us now. We've got calculators, smartphones, and Dove Cameron conducting a full academic investigation into why every woman who's ever dated the same man has apparently been declared insane. I'd like to formally apologize to my former math teachers for doubting the curriculum. It turns out we really did need algebra, just not for the reasons they suggested.

Arriving ahead of her long-awaited debut album, FINAL GIRL, out November 6, “do the math” wraps its devastating arithmetic in piano and a vocal performance that sounds like Dove has personally graded every failed relationship in the room. Every ex is crazy? Every relationship ends in disaster? Every new girlfriend is somehow the exception until she isn't? Fascinating. Let's identify the common denominator, shall we? Spoiler alert: it's the man with two phones, a million excuses, and an apparently incurable allergy to accountability. “Do the math / It's you, it's always been you,” she declares, making this perhaps the first mathematics lesson I've ever attended voluntarily. The chorus is deliciously direct, the accusation impossible to misunderstand, and the entire exercise feels like watching someone receive an F on a test they were absolutely certain they'd aced.

At this point, Dove isn't merely teaching the class. She's the guidance counselor, principal, and entire school board. Meanwhile, he's sitting in the corner wearing a dunce cap, still insisting the exam was unfair. I'm polishing an apple for her desk and preparing my valedictorian speech. Straight A's over here. Gay A's, if the accreditation board will allow it. My GPA has never been higher in the House of Cameron, and the numbers are looking considerably less flattering for the gentleman in question. Class dismissed.